The Current Outlook

A teenager who murdered a 15-year-old boy during a row over a bottle of Buckfast has been jailed for a minimum of 11 years.

This is a people problem, not an alcohol problem. I have enjoyed Buckfast before (and, in fact, still have a little bit lying around) but this is what happens when people who are irresponsible and dangerous scrotes get access to powerful drink. It could have been over anything but it was over a bottle of Buckie. Thankfully not too many places sell Buckie down here apart from ‘Bargain Booze’ chains because if it was more well-known we’d probably have more anti-social behaviour issues.

There is still a significant north-south health divide in England, government data has revealed.

Up north in Lancashire we have a fry-up with all the fat for breakfast, pie and peas for dinner and a large portion of fish and chips with about twelve slices of bread and butter for tea. Except on Fridays when we all order three grease-laden pizzas for ourselves after having fifteen pints of cider down the pub. The furthest we walk to is the end of our street to get us fags and us toffs and we all wear flat caps. Even the teenagers.

Jesus Christ - is there no end to this stereotyping? People will eat what they want in this country, no matter where they might live. Economic circumstances might well intervene but calling millions of people fat and trying to make them become slim does not help matters!

Now, where’s that triple serving of chocolate cake I left on the side…?

A father who served five years in jail for sexually assaulting a woman had his conviction quashed yesterday after new evidence suggested his victim was a liar who inflicted her own injuries.

People who falsely cry rape are the lowest of the law, and this is a disgraceful excuse for a woman. This man has lost five years of his life because of the ineptitiude of the justice system and this woman’s false accusation.

Women in cases like this should be given a hefty prison sentence. They should also lose their right to anonymity.

Devil’s Kitchen has also brought this up. I happen to agree with pretty much everything he says.

Australian naturalist and television personality Steve Irwin has been killed by a stingray during a diving expedition off the Australian coast.

This is sad news but it was going to happen eventually because of the way he did his work. He was completely mental but it’s most likely exactly the way he wanted to go, too.

My thoughts are with his family and friends.

A drug addict mother has been jailed for nine years for supplying heroin and crack cocaine to her son from the age of nine.

There are some weird, screwed-up people in the world, aren’t there? And many of them live among us all.

LAGOS (Reuters) - Crime-infested Nigeria, famed for its email scams, has warned citizens travelling to Britain to watch out for conmen who use tricks to rob or rip off visitors.

Is this not a tiny bit rich for a country that is infamously associated with crime, scams and fraud?

Hundreds of schoolchildren caught up in an alleged World Cup ticket fraud will get to watch a game after government talks with Fifa, Downing Street said.

Another blogger has said it much better (and in a funnier way) than I can do here.

So children, lesson of the day: if fuckwit incompetents order tickets from a blatantly unreputable source and they don’t deliver on their promises, don’t worry! Populist Tony will bail you out! Isn’t our great leader so generous? All hail the Maximum Tone!

A teenager has been fined £75 for leaving an ice lolly stick on a wall in Manchester city centre.

This story is another one for the ‘fucking little Nazi’ category, unfortunately.

If the council warden had any sense at all she could have just gone over and told her to put it in the bin. That would have been the end of the matter. But no. That worthless jumped-up official relished using all of the frankly miniscule power she has over people and fine the poor girl. We’re breeding an unhelpful and overzealous mindset in this country and I don’t like it one bit.

The BBC’s Doctor Who and Bleak House have triumphed at the British Academy Television Awards.

Now, normally I’d think that all these awards ceremonies are is a prolonged bum-tonguing session for the rich and famous and an excuse to fill up the schedules with crap. But I must say that Doctor Who probably does deserve to win after all. Why? Well, your humble blogger likes it of course. Last night’s especially.

Here’s a quick synopsis of the episode for those unlucky buggers that weren’t watching this week’s episode, entitled ‘The Girl in the Fireplace’ (or who hate Doctor Who, heaven knows why) or foreigners (as ever, purloined from DigiGuide):

Madame de Pompadour finds the court at Versailles under attack from sinister clockwork killers. Her only hope of salvation lies with the man who has haunted her dreams since childhood - a mysterious stranger known only as the Doctor.

Easily the best episode of the series so far. Creepy and genuinely moving towards the end. The only minor disappointment was the rather easy way in which the Doctor defeated the bad guys. Oh, and the fact that the droids would have been a bit more menacing if their main form of attack wasn’t weakly waving a potato peeler in your face. Other than that, smashing. It’s probably also worth noting that Sophia Myles’ Madame de Pompadour oozed hotness, which helps.

A woman has been fined £75 for throwing a crisp out of her car window.

I’d have eaten it, but that’s her choice, I suppose.

What?! Completely ridiculous. Wotsits are biodegradable, in any case. I wouldn’t really class them as litter at all - because they’re not, really. This is another case of a lowly official being excessively officious with a member of the public simply because they have nothing else better to do.

Anyway, crisp fans know that the best crisps are not Wotsits (overly cheesy shite), or Walkers (taste like plastic) or even Seabrooks (greasy as hell). No, they are Tayto Cheese and Onion. If I wasn’t on a diet I’d probably buy a box.